All I could do was stare at the heart-shaped locket in my hand. I had got it for my father to give to my mother. Had been due to give it to him tomorrow.
I no longer could. He was gone. My mother was gone. Everyone was gone.
Not everyone, my brother Paul, he was still alive, and my wife Jess, her too — thank God. But who else? Maybe nobody.
Hell, nothing felt real. How could I be just sitting here, in the living area of the bunker, potentially one of the last three living people on earth? How?
“Right,” Paul said, re-emerging from the storage room — about time, he’d been gone forever.
Saying that from the look on his face, I guessed he was about to deliver some bad news. I couldn’t take any more. Though hell, what could be worse than the news that had already come? Ten billion people wiped out overnight. Ten billion people, just like that. God help me. It didn’t feel real. It wasn’t real, was it?
It was.
“I’ve checked and double-checked,” Paul said, “and there’s no doubt. Only enough food and water for two of us.”
He did not just say that? “You can’t be serious?”
He was serious, and a few hours later I realised just how much so. We had checked and double-checked and triple-checked and many more times checked. We only had enough food and water for two of us to make it. And hell, Paul and Jess were both military-conditioned. That included the logic chips in their brains that all soldiers had that made them obsessed with the notion of sacrifice in the name of the greater good. Those chips were why we were in this mess. I knew what they would make them think, only enough food and water for two of us, an easy solution.
I couldn’t let them think it.
“What are our options?” Jess said before I could utter a word.
“We don’t have any right now,” I said, “but we will find some.”
“That’s not true,” Paul said, making me feel even more sick to the stomach. I knew what he was going to say. Please don’t say it, please don’t say it, I willed.
Paul didn’t listen. How could he, his training, the chip in his brain, they all pointed to one thought process. “If we don’t find any other solutions,” Paul continued, “then the three of us needs to become two. That’s the situation we are in.”
Damn him for saying it! “One of us can’t go out there!”
“I agree,” Jess said. “That’s a stupid idea.”
“Agreed,” Paul said. “If we open them doors to the outside, then we’re all dead. None of us can leave this bunker until it’s safe to do so.”
I was looking at Jess, she was looking at me. Both of us carried a confused expression. “I don’t understand?” I said.
“How can three of us become two then?” Jess said.
“Can we not just ride it out, hope that the food lasts long enough?” I said, glad my wife was on my side. I had been afraid she would be with Paul. Maybe the chip worked differently in her, she was logistics?
“Even with small rations, it’s pushing it for two of us to make the distance,” Paul said. “Only hope there is for any of us to survive is if one of us…”
What did he mean by that? “If one of us what?”
Jess answered. “He means if we don’t find a solution, quickly, one of us will have to sacrifice ourselves. That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it?”
My heart missed a beat. “Sacrifice ourselves?” I didn’t know why I repeated it out loud. I had expected her to say it, him to say it. That’s why I hated the word so much. Sacrifice. It was the reason we were in this mess. It was a disease that blighted their minds, that had destroyed the world. All military people had the notion drilled into their minds, and the logic chips made certain that they complied with that drilling — no matter what. “Don’t be stupid, he’s not saying that…” I knew he was. I just wished he wasn’t. “You’re not saying that, are you, Paul?”
“I wish I wasn’t, but I am. We’re not there yet, but if we don’t find a solution, fast, then that’s the only option available.”
“You’re wrong. Even if there’s only enough food and water for two of us, I would rather the three of us just last as long as we can. Then, if we die, we die together.”
“That’s not happening. If there’s a way for two of us to live, we have to take that way, no matter what it is.”
“I agree,” Jess said. Damn her for doing so. Why did she do so? Because she couldn’t stop herself. I had to stop her.
“Simon,” Jess continued before I could even try, “this is about ensuring the continued survival of the human race.”
“She’s right, Simon. It is our duty to play a part in that. No matter what, if any of us can survive, we have to make it happen.”
I agreed on that point. But one of us killing ourselves was not an option. It was not. “We will make it happen. But not through one of us sacrificing our lives.”
“You’re the engineer, Simon,” Paul said. “I want you to find a solution, and I believe you can, but we must place all our options on the table now. So we have them in mind.”
One week. That was how long had passed, and I’d never worked harder and slept less. I needed sleep, how could I think properly without sleep, come up with solutions without sleep?
I didn’t have time to sleep, and even when I drifted to sleep, the endless nightmares woke me right back up.
That was another problem in itself. There was nothing but problems and no solutions. I needed solutions.
I glanced at Jess, who was sat on the seat behind the desk, her eyes shut. Was she asleep or just resting her eyes?
If she was asleep, I hoped she was not having more nightmares. I wasn’t the only one having them, she had been as well, not that she would admit it. But I knew. Every now and then when I had caught her with her eyes closed, I would see her eyes suddenly open. She showed no other movement, but I was certain that for a split second, I could see the sheer terror in her eyes, the sheer terror that said what I knew was being said. That she, just like me, had been woken by the billions of voices screaming in terror as the air that they were breathing turned toxic, that she, just like me, had been woken by the panicked cries of help as everyone including our families frantically fought for their lives, that she, just like me, had been woken by the lasting silence that followed that fight.
“Any luck?” Jess said, her eyes opening, showing that flicker of terror before the calm returned — perhaps the illusion of it?
Luck? I hated that word. The only solution was for us to go outside and search for more food. I was trying to come up with a way so that we could do that. The design of the bunker made it impossible. It was so frustrating! If we opened the doors, it would let in the toxic air, so even if we came up with a protective suit, we still couldn’t open the doors. “There must be a way for us to go outside?” I tossed yet another piece of paper into the overflowing bin. “There just must be…”
“There is no way,” Paul said, entering the room and standing at the head of the table. He always liked to play the chair at family meetings. I guessed we were now in one. “If we open the door,” Paul continued, “we’re all dead.”
“And even if we could,” Jess said, showing no hint of needing to shake off her sleep, “we don’t have the protective equipment we need to survive out there, nor the means to build it. We’ve just spent a week confirming that. Simon, I’m sorry, but I’m starting to think that Paul is right. Unless we can find some way for us all to survive using what we have down here, and fast, then one of us sacrificing ourselves so the other two can go on living may be the only option.”
Christ almighty there had to be a way to stop them thinking that. I wished I was a brain surgeon, but then there was no surgical equipment, so what difference would it make? None. All I had were words. “That’s not happening. If it comes down to it, we die together.”
Paul’s eyes darkened. “You two are married and relatively young. If it comes down to it. I die and you two live.”
An explosive argument ensued during which all of us made clear our positions, Jess and me that our marriage would not be the factor that saw Paul sacrifice himself, Paul that all of us dying just so that one of us did not have to was not an option — Jess agreed with him on that, damn her.
“With time, I may find another option,” I argued. “Will find another option.”
“But you may not, and every minute we spend together, we lower the chances two of us have of making the distance.”
His logic was cold, it was brutal, it was why the world had been destroyed. The chip in his head had robbed him of his humanity. I needed to give it back to him and my wife before one of them did something stupid.
But how? How could I give it back to him?
We had given it another four days and were yet again sat at the table, Paul presiding over a family meeting. After a short but deafening silence, Jess spoke. “Paul, if we did this, how would we choose which one of us makes the sacrifice?”
Damn her, why couldn’t she just let it go? No matter what I did, she refused to. “What is the matter with you two? I’ve told you! No one is going to die. It’s only been eleven days. We have time to find a different solution! We are not considering this as an option.” Wasted words, I already knew before I said them. How could I not say them?
“Eleven days is a lot of time considering the state of our food and water supplies,” Paul said.
“His point is valid,” Jess said, proving just how pointless my words had been. “And who knows how difficult it’ll be to find and source food and water when it is possible to go topside?”
“Agreed,” Paul said. “If we leave here and are on our last legs, our survival chances will be too slim.”
“Exactly,” Jess said. “Also, if we leave it too long, we could put ourselves in a situation where there’s only enough for one of us to make the distance.”
“It’s only been eleven days!”
“Yes,” Paul said, “and those eleven days mean we have five and a half days less food and water for two of us than we would otherwise have done.”
“That’s why it’s better for us all to just last as long as we can together.”
“In a perfect world. I’d choose that option.”
Jess interjected. “But it’s not just about us, so we can’t. This is about the survival of the human race. Simon, the more I think about it, the more I realise just how important it is that we’re as strong as we can be when we head back outside. More than that, we’ll need contingency supplies to last us long enough for us to secure new sources of food and water.”
“I agree,” Paul said. “If there are three of us, we have no hope of that happening.”
Jess nodded, and on they went, each word making me hate the military ever more for what they had done to my brother and wife and the world.
Another three days had gone by, during which my nightmares had not just been filled with the endless screams of terror, but with the endless horror of the thought of waking up to find that my brother or wife had taken their life — maybe both.
Neither had this morning, but with each day that passed, it felt increasingly certain that one of them was going to.
I had to do something. What?
“You know what,” Jess said as we sat down at the table, yet another family meeting being convened. “I wish I wasn’t, but I’m absolutely one hundred percent with you, Paul. This is the only option. We knew that three days ago, but we spent, perhaps wasted, three more days proving it…” Jess paused, and I could see from the slight twitch in her eye just how afraid she was making that statement. A sign perhaps I could get her to see sense? She clenched her fists, her inner feelings once more locked away. The chip made it easy for her to do that, damn it for that.
“Paul,” Jess continued, “how do we choose?”
I refused my brother a chance to answer that question and instead demanded a one-on-one conversation with Jess, which was granted. Though part of me immediately wished it had not been, she was brutal to me. She made clear how she did not want to die, how she did not want any of us to die, especially not me. But in her view, for any of us to survive, one of us had to sacrifice ourselves. She was adamant that we couldn’t risk waiting it out.
It’s too risky, she kept saying. We have to play our part in helping to save the human race and we don’t have the right to put the life of one of us before that, she kept saying. Statistically speaking, this is the best option, she kept saying. We have to choose the best option.
I would happily take another option, but you have made clear there are none available to us without outside aid.
What could I say to any of that?
One day. That was how long they had given me as a final chance to come up with an alternative solution.
That day was up. I still had no alternative solution.
Why could I not find one? There had to be one! I didn’t want to die; I didn’t want my wife to die; I didn’t want my brother to die; I certainly didn’t want either of them to die for me, I couldn’t live with that. Yet, unless I came up with an alternative option, I was helpless to stop the inevitable. Their will to sacrifice for the greater good was beyond reproach. I pounded the desk in fury. Damn my failure, damn it to hell!
The worst thing about it was, I couldn’t mention the chip to them. Only a ranking military official could question the effects of the chip — the programming made certain of it. If I mentioned it, they would double down on their position.
Damn the inventors of it to hell, they had screwed the world, and they were screwing me even after they had screwed the world!
“It’s time, Simon,” Jess said, approaching me at my workstation — where I was working on a computer that had zero connection to the outside world because it no longer existed. How could this have happened!
“Do you have the coin?” Jess continued.
If I could not find a solution, we had agreed to a coin toss, heads and we would remain as three no matter what, tails and one of us would sacrifice ourselves. I had proposed the coin toss. It was the only way I could persuade them to give me an extra day.
What a mistake. There was no way I could back out of it. I’d given my word. What a fool I had been thinking I could come up with a solution in that time!
But then I hadn’t believed that they would agree to it. The fact that they had proved there had been hope. Hope I had placed into the hands of fate. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
Though perhaps the hands of fate were the only way to bypass the chips coding?
If that was so, then the toss of a coin would be my only hope.
If only I knew more about how the chips worked!
I needed time to learn more. I had no time.
“Simon,” Paul said, placing his hand on my shoulder, proving just how little time I had, “it’s time to toss the coin. We have to make a choice.”
My hand was shaking, but I pulled out the coin. Paul and Jess were staring at me. For the first time, both were silent. Anyone who didn’t know them would think they were calm.
I knew them. This was the first time that the true gravity of this choice had hit them. Their silence was the evidence of that. Hope maybe that I could persuade them to change their minds?
They shut me down before I could even try. “Toss it,” Paul said.
“This is the best way,” Jess said.
What choice did I have? I tossed it into the air and watched as it ascended upwards before starting its descent, then I watched as it landed and started spinning on the ground. In seconds, fate would decide our future. I couldn’t look, only listen as the coin rattled to a stop. When neither Paul nor Jess spoke, my heart turned ever more rapid. It had to be heads. Please let it be heads. I couldn’t look. I had to look.
Christ, no, it couldn’t be! But there was no escaping it, it was tails! I had failed, fate had screwed me, I had found a way out and somehow had screwed it up. I started jabbering about how I could find an alternative, that we didn’t have to do this, that we could do a best-of-three.
It was hopeless. Paul put his hand on my shoulder. “The choice is made. I’m the soldier.”
Before I could even think, Paul had opened the top drawer of the desk and pulled out a revolver. The stony stare in his eyes made clear what he was about to do!
“No!” I said, words of sense finding me. “No way. Put the gun down. Just no way. How are you not getting this? If we all stay alive, people may find us.”
Jess’s eyes erupted with a blaze of fury. “People may find us? Simon, how are you not getting this? There are not many people who have bunkers like this!”
“Yes there are. Government officials and the army…”
“And how many do you think were in those bunkers when this happened? How many do you think made it to those bunkers in time? Not many, if any, I would like to bet. People had minutes, that was it! We only got the heads up in time because Paul’s boyfriend was there when whatever the hell happened happened and called him. We only made it into this bunker because we were upstairs when we did find out! We only have this bunker because my father was obsessed that Armageddon was coming! And even if lots of others did make it, what do you think they can do? Nothing! We don’t have the protective clothing to survive out there. It’s not been invented. All the people who could have invented it are dead.”
“You don’t know that!”
“Yes I do, Simon! Yes, I do! You know it as well as I do because we’ve already confirmed it. Our only hope of surviving is making our food supplies last long enough for us to go back outside. We are on our own.” Her eyes looked away for just one moment, a hint of the thousand-yard stare in them. She clenched her fists. “No one is coming to help. I’ll say it again, Simon. We’re on our own. That won’t change until it’s safe to go outside! If two of us can make it outside, we must do whatever it takes to make sure that they do. The future survival of the human race may rely upon it. We cannot let the human race die out, not like this!”
“This is the chip in your mind talking,” I said, no longer able to help myself.
“No it’s not, Simon, it’s reality talking. This is real. This happened. This is the choice we have to make: be selfish and stay together in the hopes a miracle will happen, or fight to save humanity.”
Everything she had said was true. But I would still rather take the chance and have us all last as long as we can together — with time, a solution may present itself. Did that make me selfish? Wanting that time? “The chip is what destroyed the world, you’re still thinking with it, the human choice is staying alive and finding a solution!”
“This is the solution to staying alive,” Paul said, “that makes it as human as human can be, and the way I see it, as a serving frontline soldier, it’s my duty to protect you both, and as your older brother, it’s my duty to protect you both.”
I was so sick of him saying that! “No! You can’t do this! How could we even survive without you? We couldn’t?”
“He’s right,” Jess said, and relief flooded through me. Finally, we had found common ground to persuade Paul to stay alive. “You’re a soldier. If we’re to have any chance of surviving out there, we’ll need you.”
“You won’t,” Paul said before I could speak. “You’re a soldier yourself.”
“Yes, but I am based in logistics. You are SAS. Your survival skills are vastly superior to mine.”
“Wait,” I said, “what are you saying?”
Paul spoke firmly before she could respond. “I’ve taught both of you how to survive on your own, and I’m confident together you’ll be able to do that. So don’t try for one moment to say it should be you. Jess.”
“Agreed, you’re not dying, Jess. I refuse to allow it.”
“I do as well, you have a moral duty to live, Jess. You’re the only woman in this bunker, your reproductive organs added to your relative youth will be imperative for the future survival of the human race.”
“No way are you using that argument,” Jess said.
“It’s a valid argument. As valid as the argument that Simon is an engineer. That makes you both far more important than me.”
Damn him for that response. Damn him to hell. “Why are you so obsessed with dying!”
“I’m obsessed with Jess and you living. You are both relatively young. When you make it out of here, you’ll still be young enough to have kids. The world is gonna need those kids.”
“No way are you using that argument,” Jess said. “Besides, maybe there’ll be more female survivors. If that were the case, we’d need men to provide for them.”
“What do you mean?” Paul said.
“Women can’t help repopulate the planet if they have to go out looking for food and water every day. And remember, without the healthcare industry, over half of the children born will die before reaching adulthood, that’s if we are lucky. So women are going to have to spend a lot of time getting pregnant, meaning they are going to need a lot of support from men.”
She had made a good point, but I wished she had not.
“We have to choose,” Paul said.
Jess nodded. “We do. But we aren’t doing it the way you want to do it. I know how that goes.” She picked up the revolver from the desk and emptied all the bullets bar one.
Horror filled me. She couldn’t be thinking what she was thinking? At university, we used to play Russian roulette, though not with a live gun, with a feeble pellet gun which we used to hold to our hands. The loser would be the designated driver for the night.
“This is not a game, Jess!” I said.
“You’re right, it’s not. None of us can leave. But there’s only enough food and water for two of us. It is our duty to fight for the future of the human race. To do that, three of us have to become two. This is the only fair way we can choose which one of us makes the honourable sacrifice…”
Honourable sacrifice? The only fair way? Christ, I had to say something, bring fate back into it, but fate had already decided it and would decide it again. Jess was resolute and Paul was on her side. Their minds were made. I was helpless to change them. The logic of the world-ending chip had decided our fate would be decided by the wheels of fate, and I had no choice but to go along with it all in the hopes that fate would give me a chance to change our fates.
I was lying on the bed, holding Jess in my arms. I had persuaded her to let us have a final hour together before playing Russian roulette with our lives. Every part of my body was clinging to her. It wasn’t even a cuddle, I held her in a bear hug. I never wanted to release her. From the way her nails were penetrating my flesh as she held me, and the way her short breath was filled with a silent terror, I could tell she felt the same.
Could I use this to penetrate her mind, find a way to end this madness?
The alarm clock started beeping. The hour couldn’t be up. It couldn’t be. I hadn’t thought of a word to say to try to change her mind, not a single word.
I had to think of at least a word, I needed more time. I had no time. She started to gently try to pull back. I held on tight, not letting go was the only option I had left. Trouble was, she’d always been stronger than me. Damn her for that. In the past, I never cared. Now I did. If only I could keep her in my arms. Save her.
This time I was going to. But then she started mentioning my brother, reminding me he was out there alone. She was right. I didn’t want her to be. But she was. I had wanted him to stay with us. He had for a while, but then he had said he wanted some alone time and wanted us to have some. He swore he would do nothing. I’d wanted to go after him but had not wanted to let this moment with Jess end.
Jess got up because I let her, I had to, I had to check on Paul. But then Jess pulled the gun from under the pillow — I had placed it there to make certain neither she nor Paul could not use it. What if she used it when I went out to check on Paul?
If only I could think, but my mind was paralysed.
“Paul,” I finally managed to say, “we need to check on him, together.”
Jess agreed and I followed her out into the main living area, where we found Paul sat on the chair. He was alive, thank God. But for how long? His eyes were distant, and his fingers were fidgeting — until he realised we were here, at which point he firmed himself up and stood.
“If you don’t want to do this, that’s fine, I’d rather it be me.”
“No!” I said.
“No indeed,” Jess said. “We are all doing this. It’s the only way to make it fair.”
Paul looked at me, his eyes begging me to let it be him. But how could I? I didn’t want it to be any of us! “I won’t let it be you.” I hoped beyond hope that somehow those words would make him reconsider.
They did not. Jess suggested we best say our last goodbyes. For one of us, this would be our last goodbye. That’s why I wanted us to spend more time on our last goodbyes, a lot more time. If only. Paul and Jess brought the final group hug to an end. Damn them for that, pity them as well. It wasn’t their fault. How could I save them?
We all stared at each other as we sat down. “You know,” Paul said, “this is illogical. You two are married…”
“It’s illogical to do this at all,” I said. “We can still try to last it out.”
“We can’t,” Jess said. “We have a duty to the human race, and we have to fulfil it.”
“But for all we know, we might be the only ones left…”
Jess placed her hand in the middle of the table and uttered the military’s fabled words. “For humanity, we make this sacrifice.”
Screw sacrifice, sacrifice destroyed the world. I stared dead at her, refusal in my eyes. All I got in return was a resoluteness that made clear this would go ahead regardless of whether I was a party to it. I had to be a party to it, it was my only hope. I placed my hand on top of hers. “For us,” I said.
“For all of us,” Paul said, placing his hand on top.
The moment lasted a second and a lifetime both at the same time, but then it was over and Jess picked up the gun, checked the bullet in the barrel, then locked the barrel in place and spun it. “I’ll go first.”
Paul and me tried to protest, demanding that we go first. She was having none of it. And so I watched helplessly as my wife, the love of my life, raised the gun to her head, pressed it against her temple, cocked it.
Holy hell. Christ Almighty. This was real. She was going to do it. Don’t, I was about to cry.
Too late. She had pulled the trigger. The only sound was a click.
Jess put her hand up. “Stay in your seat. We have to play properly.”
“It shouldn’t be you, Jess,” Paul said before I could.
“No way should it be,” I said, my heart feeling like it was going to explode out of my chest.
“You are not excluding me from this,” Jess said, “this has to be fair.” Her eyes were resolute. “Either we play properly, or it’s going to be me.” She put the gun to her head. Both of us shouted at her to stop.
A desperate stare-off ensued. “We play properly or not at all,” Jess reaffirmed. How could she be so desperate to sacrifice herself? How could I free her from this desperate desire? I could answer the first question, if only the second!
“We play properly,” Paul said before looking at me.
To save her life, I had to agree. “We play properly.”
Jess lowered the gun and passed it to Paul. He showed no hesitation, immediately putting the gun to his temple and pulling the trigger. An empty click. Thank God! And Paul had flinched. I had never seen him flinch. But he had.
“It’s my turn,” I said in desperation. How could I not? He may have tried to pull the trigger again. “Pass it over.”
I had to prise it from his grip, and when I held it, I thought about trying to destroy it. Then I realised I lacked the ability to. And there was no way I could run and hide it — they would find it. He was about to tell me I did not have to do it.
To save him, to save Jess. I did. I put it to my head.
But I couldn’t pull the trigger. My mind was failing me, everything was failing me. The gun was digging into my temple, but nothing was happening. Something had to happen. If I did not pull this trigger, Jess would demand the gun from me and again put it to her own head.
I refused to let that happen. She had to live. My brother had to live. I wouldn’t let them die. My only hope of stopping them from dying, of saving them, was to pull the trigger.
Oh my god. I had done it. I had pulled the trigger. And I was still alive.
All of us smiled. Colour came back to my face. Only for a moment, me living meant Paul or Jess might yet die. And only four barrels remained. We no longer had a one in seven chance of dying, we had a one in four. “We need to end this madness, now,” I said.
“Give me the gun, Simon,” Jess said, her hand showing the slightest hint of a tremble, her taut muscles doing everything they could to hide it.
Before I could even think about resisting, she grabbed it from me, again put it to her temple, and again pulled the trigger, an empty click following. What was happening here? Her speed of action was madness. So was Paul’s. He snatched it from her, put it to his temple and pulled the trigger, an empty click following. Could they not just slow this down? Could they not just regain their senses?
Wait! There were only two bullets left. Paul was not going to die. He was safe.
But wait, I now had only a fifty percent chance of living. A coin toss.
Wait! Jess now only had a fifty percent chance. Terror flashed over her face, it had been visible through only the slightest twitch of her eye, but I saw it. I knew it was more fear for me than herself.
The same terror flashed over Paul’s face. He was going to pull the trigger again. “Give me the gun!” I snatched it from him.
“Wait, Simon!” Paul and Jess said in unison.
No chance. I jumped back, pressed the gun to my head, and pulled the trigger.
An empty click. My body relaxed. So did Paul’s. We were both going to live. But then Jess spoke. “Give me the gun.”
I backed up. This had not just happened. What the hell was I going to do? Jess would find a way to kill herself, no matter what. Paul would do the same just to stop her from doing so. If I couldn’t stop them, one of them would die. How could I stop them?
“Simon, the gun,” they both said in unison.
My back hit the wall. I put the gun to my head, yells of don’t do it following. “Stay back! Stay back,” I demanded.
How had it come to this? Just how? Only one way to stop one of my wife and brother from killing themselves. Only one way to free them from what had destroyed the world. Only one way to give them back their humanity. “I love you both,” I said. “Just please live.” I pulled the trigger.
Thanks for reading, I truly hope you enjoyed my short story! This story was inspired by question that kept playing in my head, what would you do if you found yourself in a situation where one of you had to kill yourself to save the others, and all were willing to be that one.
Leave a Reply